Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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