Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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