I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
God I need to hump something, right now.
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