I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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