I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
