Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
