i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
