Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
