Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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