I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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