I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
