the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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