I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
