I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
