Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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