If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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