she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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