Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
