I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
