Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
