sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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