Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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