Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
