i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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