farters have to be the big spoon...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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