I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
