i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
