well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
