i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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