you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
