considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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