At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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