I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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