oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My liver just had a heart attack.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
