Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
