The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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