capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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