I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm too high and old for this...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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