What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
