She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
