WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
