If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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