whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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