Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I didn't shave. On purpose
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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