Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
