I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
