I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
