I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
