Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just google imaged poop.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
