Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
