Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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