its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
