Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
