make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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