I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
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