Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
