WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
