i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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