I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
